• Tweet

• Tweet

I feel like I could write an extremely long blog post on some adverts I’ve seen recently, but you most likely think the same as me without me telling you so. Like Lenny Henry, he’s just popped up on my screen for one of them Premier Inn ad’s. Are you telling me he stays there? Are you telling me I should watch a magic version of celebrity x-factor hosted by the man himself? Because if you are, I’d tell you to do one.

But anyway, that’s not what I’m here for (I probably still will do one of those one day), but I thought I’d give you a nice handy list of things you can do in about half an hour. You know, for those Sunday afternoons when you have nothing to do. So, without further ado, let’s begin.

1. Do a 100-piece jigsaw.

I figure that by the time you empty the box, get all the edge pieces, and then finish the rest of the jigsaw, you could probably do about 100 pieces, but no more. Unless you were really good, or had particularly excellent hand-eye co-ordination, or you were Carol Vorderman. If so, then you, or she, could maybe do 250 pieces at a push, but you’d be rushing. Similarly, if you’re a bit slow, and not very good at hand-eye co-ordination, or you’re Carol Vorderman, you may struggle at a 50-piecer. If so, I pity you. So what have we learnt here? Carol Vorderman may, or may not, be good at jigsaws.

2. Think of ways to hurt the bloke from the Gillette Fusion Proglide advert.

Don’t tell me you haven’t done this already. I’ve done it for many a half hour. And yes, I know I said I wouldn’t go on about adverts, but does this count if we talk about ways to hurt him? It’s not really on about the advert as such (although, why is he walking with such a strut, why do these people insist on shaving in big public bathrooms, why are they talking to him, why does one of them not punch him in the face, why did the big-wigs of Gillette think we would want to buy one after seeing this advert?), so let’s discuss techniques.

• Punch in the face – It’s a classic technique, and one that would get the desired result, but where’s the creativity?
• Make him pretend he’s gone mad – Follow him around, say his name when he can’t see you, move things around, really try and get into his head.
• Give him alopecia – Then he wouldn’t be so happy about Gillette Fusion Proglide, would he?
• Call him names – If you’re not one for physical abuse, then why not try verbal instead? It’ll make him die a little inside.
• Swap his awesome razor for a disposable – He won’t know what to do, the bastard.
• Trip him up – If he didn’t walk in such an overtly manly way, he wouldn’t have deserved to be tripped up in the first place.
• Say woooo – Now this isn’t really going to hurt him, but as a side-note, if you do any of the above techniques, make sure you accompany it with a ‘Woooo!’ like he does when he enters the bathroom in the advert. That’ll really rub Deep Heat into his aching balls.

3. Eat.

That’s what fat people do, right? I thought about doing this the other day. Just sit yourself down on the sofa, pour yourself a nice glass of full-fat coke (diet is for little girls, Matt), get some crisps open, maybe some chocolate too – just get fat. It’ll be fun. Just don’t bother with exercise, I hear it gets hard once you’ve got some blubber round your heart.

4. Try and get 2 people to whistle the same tune at the same time.

It’s impossible, seriously. Any tune. You can’t do it, you just end up laughing. Well, I do anyway.

5. Shout at strangers.

This one is more of a challenge than anything. A challenge to see if you can last half an hour without getting lamped or arrested. Go on, try it. Just don’t say I told you.

6. Listen to ‘The Best of The Saturday Show’ podcast.

Yeah, you saw this coming, didn’t you? Tough. It’s good, honestly. You’ll like it. You don’t have to listen to the bits which didn’t work, or weren’t funny, or you don’t like, it’s only the prime cuts. It’s like the T-Bone of podcasts. Subscribe by clicking this here link about our podcast. So yeah. Go do it now.

If you have any other suggestions about what to do in half an hour, like write a completely irrelevant blog about time-wasting, please feel free to suggest some below.